In the still of the night, before David Stern could reach for awhistle, someone backed up the truck and dumped the NBA's AtlanticDivision into our laps.
It is a group of teams -- New Jersey, Boston, New York, Torontoand Philadelphia -- so horrifying, to look at the Atlantic standingsis to stare into a bleak abyss of basketball wilderness.
Every team in the Atlantic Division is under .500. Many of themare, like, way under .500, so far under they're closer to China than.500.
The rallying cry in these parts?
"First team to 30 wins is going to the dance!!!"
The best player in the division -- Allen Iverson -- is in exile.The best guards in the division -- Isiah Thomas (Knicks), MauriceCheeks (76ers) and Doc Rivers (Celtics) -- are on the bench,beleaguered head coaches. The best team in the division -- the Nets -- recently scored 157 points in a game and lost.
Let's consider those Nets for a moment.
The good news is that this is a contract year for Vince Carter;the bad news is that he might be negotiating that contract with Wu-Tang Clan.
Perhaps some of you know that music impresario Jay-Z is a part-owner of the Nets. The rapper is helping spearhead a drive for a newarena in Brooklyn, where the Nets hope to relocate. Here is Jay-Z'sBrooklyn, as characterized by the opening lyrics from his song"Brooklyn's Finest":
You motherf-----s, think you big time?
F-----' with Jay-Z, you gon' die, big time!
Here come the 'Pain'! (sound of gunshots)
Golly jeepers, I love this game.
Frankly, this is mild stuff for Jay-Z. Sure, he reportedly ownsless than 1percent of the team, but Jay-Z is just as much a face ofthe Nets as Jason Kidd is. And considering that commissioner Sternis a despotic image czar, you have to ask:
What the #*&@#!% is going on here?
(If the Nets ever make the NBA Finals again, maybe Jay-Z willbreak new ground by ending his rendition of the national anthemwith, "Yo, bitch!")
As for the on-court quality of the Nets and their rivals, an all-star team culled from the Atlantic Division these days might finishthird in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Heck, the WashingtonGenerals could win the Atlantic Division, assuming they ever came totheir senses and fired Red Klotz.
In fact, the Atlantic could plummet to historic depths,potentially challenging what social critics consider to be the threeworst collective examples of post-1950 American culture:
- The Van Patten Hollywood dynasty: Dick Van Patten, Joyce VanPatten, Timothy Van Patten, Vince Van Patten, Nels Van Patten, JamesVan Patten and Talia Balsam, daughter of Joyce Van Patten and MartinBalsam. That's a lot of chewed-up scenery. To be fair, Timothy hasdirected a lot of classy TV shows, and Dick and Vince have beenvisionary poker commentators.
- Burger King's current breakfast menu: The fare includes theCroissan'wich, the Double Croissan'wich, French Toast Sticks and theEnormous Omelet Sandwich, which is "crispy bacon, sizzlin' sausage,melted American cheese and fluffy eggs piled high on a split-topbun." Gout not included.
- ABC's Friday prime-time comedy lineup, 1988-89 season: We'retalking "Full House," "Perfect Strangers," "Mr. Belvedere" and "Justthe Ten of Us." Yeah, like we needed to see three guys raising threekids, a Bronson Pinchot buddy comedy, Bob Uecker not callingbaseball and a spinoff of "Growing Pains."
Now, here's the great thing about the Atlantic Division. Let'ssay you're the A.I.-less 76ers on an 11-game losing streak with arecord of 5-18. If you can win, say, six of your next 15 games, youcould move into first place!
Maybe Jay-Z will pen a rap about the Atlantic Division. I'm surehe'll use bad words.
ASK THE SLOUCH
Q. Does breaking his wrist falling out of a golf cart putNASCAR's Jimmie Johnson in the Dumb Hall of Fame? (Stephen Pierce;New Berlin, Wis.)
A. In the summer of '62, I suffered a sports hernia when I fellout of a shopping cart at Safeway reaching for Fritos.
Q. In college football, why isn't the play whistled dead when theholder of a field goal or extra point has one knee on the groundwhile holding the ball? (Dave Dickerson; Pittsburgh)
A. Boy, that would cut down on field-goal and PAT attempts, nowwouldn't it?
Q. Had you taken steroids, do you think your number of ex-wiveswould've exceeded Barry Bonds' home-run total? (Tom Hoffner;Broadview Heights, Ohio)
A. Actually, it's possible I would've been the Babe Ruth ofbigamists.
Q. Any truth to the rumor that NFL Films will title the 2006Cincinnati Bengals highlight video "The Longest Yard"? (Dave Scocca;Carrboro, N.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Juste-mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win$1.25 in cash!
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